We “won” this Vidanta getaway at a charity auction — and I now believe the real charity would have been people warning us it might be cursed. From the over two-hour check-in (yes, over two hours), to the constant upselling disguised as “upgrading,” our stay was less “luxury vacation” and more “emotional endurance test with expensive snacks.”
After being told our hotel selection was “sub-par” (how dare we want what we paid for), we were “upgraded” to a resort property so far away it may as well have required a connecting flight. The shuttles showed up about as often as solar eclipses, so we got to know the property well — mostly by foot.
Guests everywhere looked like they were in various stages of regret, or near death. All we heard were complaints from everyone we met, too -- people mostly upset about the high-pressure sales that met us all at every turn. Even the staff, forced to greet you with their hand over their heart like hostages in a luxury-themed cult, couldn’t hide their despair.
The food? Mediocre and mysteriously expensive. The gym? A charming 40-minute walk away — nothing says “wellness” like needing a cardio session just to get to your cardio session.
Every “event” felt like a prank. Like the “sound healing” session that took place on a cramped bit of grass next to a busy sidewalk with constant construction noise, which I guess added a certain jackhammer chakra realignment vibe.
Despite being located on what feels like several thousand acres, there was a rooster crowing 24/7 and a chorus of barking dogs to remind us that peace and quiet were sold separately.
The crowning glory of this fever dream was the timeshare salesman who invited himself to breakfast with us and, upon hearing our polite “no” after hours of listening to him, ripped up his papers and had a full-blown tantrum. Nothing says “relaxation” like an adult man throwing a fit because you didn’t want to buy a lifetime of this misery.
In summary: If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to spend a small fortune to feel trapped, manipulated, and serenaded by livestock — Vidanta is your place.
Would not recommend. Would not return. Would not even wish upon my worst enemy (unless they enjoy construction noise and emotional manipulation).